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Dave Smith    Posted 01-06-2019 at 19:10:24 [URL] [DELETE]        [Reply] [Email]  
  • Doctors medical exam

  • We need a laugh today...


    Medical Exams
    1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's
    going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff,
    rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
    to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
    were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

    2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
    on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
    chest wall.
    'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
    'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
    told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
    myocardial infarct.
    Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting
    to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive
    internal fart.'
    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
    with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that
    he was having trouble with one of his medications.
    Which one?' I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told
    me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
    running out of places to put it!'
    I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
    I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
    his body!
    Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
    before applying a new one.
    Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
    I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
    After a look of complete confusion she answered
    'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
    was alive.'
    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

    6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning
    and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's
    your breakfast this morning?'
    It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
    to get used to the taste. Bob replied.
    I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil
    packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit,

    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a
    young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
    Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange
    clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the
    patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
    immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed
    on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
    had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that
    read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
    Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
    note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to
    mow the lawn.'
    Submitted by RN no name,

    8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite
    embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover
    my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
    whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was
    performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
    embarrassing me.
    I looked up from my work and sheepishly said... 'I'm sorry.
    Was I tickling you?'
    She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing
    so hard... 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I
    wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
    Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

    AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
    Baby's First Doctor Visit
    This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
    waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
    weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was
    breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied..
    'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
    rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and
    detailed examination.
    Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No
    wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
    I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

    Tim Daley(MI)    Posted 01-07-2019 at 07:02:26 [URL] [DELETE]        [Reply] [No Email]  
  • Re: Doctors medical exam
  • Yep, oldies but goodies. These have been around for years but don't believe the doctors listed are real, that part is BS. The last 4 are great!

    Tim Daley(MI)

    poderac    Posted 01-06-2019 at 19:54:11 [URL] [DELETE]        [Reply] [No Email]  
  • Baby's First Doctor Visit
  • ZEN Teachings:

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, leave me alone.

    2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

    3. No one is listening until you fart.

    4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

    7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    10. If you lend someone $20.00 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

    11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

    13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

    14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

    17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass, then things just keep getting worse from there.

    20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    poderac    Posted 01-06-2019 at 19:58:08 [URL] [DELETE]        [Reply] [No Email]  
  • Re: Baby's First Doctor Visit
  • OOPS. copy/pasted wrong subject. Should have been ZEN Teachings:

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