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AL    Posted 06-24-2021 at 07:32:51 [URL] [DELETE]        [Reply] [Email]  
  • electric fence
  • This is hilarious. I can just close my eyes and see this guy.

    Electric Fence

    > >>I thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an
    > >>electric fence! We have the standard 6ft... fence in the backyard, and a
    > >>few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
    > >>entire city.
    > >>
    > >>To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
    > >>single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest
    > >>cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then
    > >>used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
    > >>ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better
    > >>the fence works.
    > >>
    > >>One day I'm mowing the back yard with my el-cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp bigwheel
    > >>pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
    > >>for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
    > >>wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems
    > >>as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
    > >>
    > >>Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
    > >>and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
    > >>charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
    > >>upside down cow on fire on the cover.
    > >>
    > >>Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb
    > >>up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
    > >>the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time
    > >>that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
    > >>was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence
    > >>charger and the lawn mower were fighting over who would control my
    > >>electrical impulses.
    > >>
    > >>Science says you cannot poop and pee at the same time…I beg to differ.
    > >>Not only did I do all at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
    > >>less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
    > >>where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back.
    > >>
    > >>It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so
    > >>close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning
    > >>8 grand.
    > >>
    > >>At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
    > >>the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
    > >>let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but
    > >>Dad always had those chargers made by International or whoever that were
    > >>like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8
    > >>foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
    > >>permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm
    > >>going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
    > >>'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
    > >>
    > >>Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
    > >>run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
    > >>it. Covered in poop & pee, and with my balls on my chest I think, 'Oh
    > >>God, please die...pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
    > >>lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
    > >>motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
    > >>
    > >>So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity, standing
    > >>in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
    > >>day...he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery
    > >>my own stupidity had created.
    > >>
    > >>I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying
    > >>on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
    > >>was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead
    > >>grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
    > >>spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on
    > >>to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
    > >>had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced
    > >>sleep I realized a few things.
    > >>
    > >> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
    > >>
    > >> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
    > >> cheek (not the left, just the right).
    > >>
    > >> 3- Poop & pee, when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
    > >> might think.
    > >>
    > >> 4- My left eye will not open.
    > >>
    > >> 5- My right eye will not close.
    > >>
    > >> 6- The lawnmower runs like a spotted ape now. Seriously! I think
    > >> our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
    > >> it was better than new after that.
    > >>
    > >> 7- My balls are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a
    > >> foot long.
    > >>
    > >> 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking
    > >> of the number 4 (still don't understand this).
    > >>
    > >>That day changed my life.
    > >>
    > >>I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things
    > >>more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged
    > >>before I mow.
    > >>
    > >>The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
    > >>clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives
    > >>me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple
    > >>check before I mow.


    SteveVa    Posted 06-27-2021 at 12:00:44 [URL] [DELETE]        [Reply] [No Email]  
  • Re: electric fence
  • That was funny.
    When I was 12 at my uncles dairy I was dared to touch the fence. Of course I did, but nothing happened. Then again... nothing. Held on to it and nothing. Then my cousin touched me and we both got zapped. I was wearing tennis shoes and did not ground.Fence chargers are suppose to pulse so you don't get locked onto one if you grab it. It still hurts like hell. but you should not get locked on to it like house current would.

    Beth and Allen    Posted 06-26-2021 at 21:41:25 [URL] [DELETE]        [Reply] [No Email]  
  • Re: electric fence
  • I'm telling you CAN poop and pee at the same time, I laughed so hard I couldn't help it.

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