Posted 06-24-2021 at 07:32:51 [URL] [DELETE]
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This is hilarious. I can just close my eyes and see this guy.
> >>I thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an
> >>electric fence! We have the standard 6ft... fence in the backyard, and a
> >>few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
> >>entire city.
> >>To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
> >>single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest
> >>cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then
> >>used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
> >>ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better
> >>the fence works.
> >>One day I'm mowing the back yard with my el-cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp bigwheel
> >>pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
> >>for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
> >>wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems
> >>as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
> >>Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
> >>and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
> >>charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
> >>upside down cow on fire on the cover.
> >>Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb
> >>up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
> >>the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time
> >>that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
> >>was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence
> >>charger and the lawn mower were fighting over who would control my
> >>electrical impulses.
> >>Science says you cannot poop and pee at the same time…I beg to differ.
> >>Not only did I do all at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
> >>less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
> >>where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back.
> >>It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so
> >>close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning
> >>8 grand.
> >>At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
> >>the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
> >>let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but
> >>Dad always had those chargers made by International or whoever that were
> >>like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8
> >>foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
> >>permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm
> >>going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
> >>'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
> >>Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
> >>run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
> >>it. Covered in poop & pee, and with my balls on my chest I think, 'Oh
> >>God, please die...pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
> >>lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
> >>motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
> >>So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity, standing
> >>in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
> >>day...he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery
> >>my own stupidity had created.
> >>I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying
> >>on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
> >>was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead
> >>grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
> >>spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on
> >>to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
> >>had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced
> >>sleep I realized a few things.
> >> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
> >> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
> >> cheek (not the left, just the right).
> >> 3- Poop & pee, when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
> >> might think.
> >> 4- My left eye will not open.
> >> 5- My right eye will not close.
> >> 6- The lawnmower runs like a spotted ape now. Seriously! I think
> >> our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
> >> it was better than new after that.
> >> 7- My balls are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a
> >> foot long.
> >> 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking
> >> of the number 4 (still don't understand this).
> >>That day changed my life.
> >>I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things
> >>more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged
> >>before I mow.
> >>The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
> >>clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives
> >>me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple
> >>check before I mow.